“What a Difference a Month Makes” was a popular song that often played on my transistor radio when I was young, and how true that statement is today. A month ago, when I last wrote my monthly address to the racing nation, I was an absolute wild man.
“What a Difference a Month Makes” was a popular song that often played on my transistor radio when I was young, and how true that statement is today. A month ago, when I last wrote my monthly address to the racing nation, I was an absolute wild man. I was living on the edge every day like some stunt man, doing crazy things like opening doors without gloves, going to places like the Chili Bowl or the Indianapolis 500, sitting and talking to a group of people less than 10 feet away without wearing a mask and, believe it or not, actually walking into a bar or restaurant and sitting down and eating or drinking instead of doing carry out. But now, a month later, the world threw the red flag at all of us; it‘s just about stopped spinning while we sort this virus out, wondering when we can get back to our crazy times.
Today I, like the rest of the world, have come to learn that Corona no longer means beer, and Netflix and quarantine have become our temporary way of life. I have adjusted to this different lifestyle as best I can. I find that I now need Andy Griffith, Dick Wallen racing movies, Ralph Kramden, Sprint Car & Midget magazine and Cages are for Monkeys just to get out of bed, keep my sanity, and further my vast knowledge of things that matter.
Having so much time on my hands, and not leaving the perimeter of my double-wide trailer except for rare occasions to get food and water, I find myself thinking about the good old days and times I‘ve had traveling and racing over the last 50 years.
During this “time off,” I have looked at a lot of old pictures, which bring a smile to my face when I see all my old buddies and friends. It seems like a lifetime ago and it still gives me hope that no matter how much everything changes it still stays the same (I think The Bopper, Steve Stapp, told me this one time when my midget tangled with a bicyclist in front of his shop).
Anyway, after spending days of reminiscing about the past in books, films and pictures, I thought I would share with you some random thoughts and short stories about what rolled in one ear, did the chicken dance on my brain, and slid out the other.
One thought came on Sunday when I watched some of the NASCAR race on the television, which I thought were cancelled due to the virus. After about 17 laps I finally figured it out! It happened when I saw a kid sitting in his parent‘s basement playing a video game controlling one of the cars. It was fake! A total scam! They weren‘t real cars; they were just some graphics of a race controlled by video gamers in their mom and dad‘s basement.
I immediately called NASCAR, and they admitted that it was not real. They asked me how I got this number and said I should seek medical help. I now knew the truth, and decided to watch more of it since no other real sports were going to be on the air for a while now.
I guess it is called iRacing, and I believe Mike Fedorchak invented it some years ago when he developed the Munchkin car that was banned for three lifetimes. It was banned because of its innovation, and no sanctioning body could make money on it. After Mike invented this iRacing concept, he put his experience running his virtual car on tracks like Blue Island, Joliet Memorial Stadium, Mt. Lawn, and other major superspeedways. And he put his video results and theories into building the Munchkin car.
Amazingly, it changed the future of all auto racing in all divisions for a short time until it was barred from racing until the year 2525 (if man is still alive). So now we have resorted to the renamed iRacing concept as our major, and only, racing outlet and are back to at least something race-related to watch on the weekends.
There are, naturally, some major flaws with a startup series like iRacing, but with just a few of my recommended adjustments, I think it could work out to be just what we need until we can get back to events with real cars and real people. I think they have a pretty good idea and I appreciate what they have done, so I will just point out a couple of changes.
First of all, I wouldn‘t show the scene from Grandma‘s basement next to the washing machine with dirty clothes stacked next to the video gamer sitting on a beanbag chair with his headphones on holding his Nintendo steering wheel, running one of the cars we are watching. It detracts from the race and gives the impression that it is not a real race.
It seems to me that in iRacing the worst injury or discomfort that you can possibly get from a 500-mile race is your stomach bloating from drinking too much beer, or a stain on your Dale Earnhardt T-shirt from the hot pizza sauce that dripped down as you were trying to drive at 200 mph with one hand on the steering wheel and one trying to eat your last slice. If this is all that can happen to you, then everyone can be braver than Jimmy Bryan, Steve Kinser, Jim Hurtubise, Rich Vogler, Parnelli and A.J. combined in every corner.
In real racing, drivers can be as brave as they want, but they have to learn the limits of how brave they can be or it could cost them broken bones, head injuries, burns, and even their lives. So, if iRacing is to survive and be the most realistic form of video racing, here are some of my personal suggestions.
Number one: When these Pac Man gamers run these races on TV, they must make it just as close to real racing, with the same possible dangers incurred if they screw up and crash themselves or cause others to crash. With the help of some of NASA‘s brightest engineers and some guys off of Craigslist, I have designed a racing simulator that will not only imitate the exact way a real race car drives, but also — in the case of a hard crash or flip — will send to the gamer the same pain that the crash would have given the driver.
For instance, my machine will have virtual Jack Hewitt, Steve Kinser and Sleepy Tripp robots standing directly behind the driver and, in the event of a hard flip, the robots will deliver strategically-placed blows to the exact areas which would be affected by a real crash.
Number two: With my simulator being so realistic, I will supply a real Hinchman Nomex fire suit with each simulator, which will only have the video driver‘s name on the front and either Goodyear or Firestone on the back. No other billboard advertisements will be allowed. There will be no side panels to restrict the TV viewers from seeing the driver work the little Nintendo wheel, and the seat will only come up to the driver‘s shoulders, with a small wrap-around to hold him (or her) up around the ribs.
The air jacks on the bottom of the machine will slam the driver up and down like being on a rough and rutty Sun Prairie or Terre Haute dirt track after a previous night‘s rain. The gamer will be required to wear only an open-face helmet, as those full-face monstrosities restrict vision of the small Pong and Pac Man screens.
Number three: I insist at this point that there will be no fatalities in any of the crashes that will occur when the driver makes a bad mistake, but they still can be beat up with bruises and cuts from the dirt machine I have installed next to the cockpit that will throw rocks and dirt, simulating the pain that a new 5:50 Firestone Ascot would deliver on a heavy Ascot race track.
Also, the mandatory Hinchman Nomex fire suit will limit the amount of burns that a driver might incur in the event of a fuel cell bursting in a bad flip, simulated by the nozzles I will install beneath the seat hooked to a nitrous bottle, which will shoot controlled flames at the driver and spray hot oil and water on his kangaroo skin driving shoes.
Number four: I highly suggest that they do as I did with my machine. At around the halfway point of the race, the power steering will go out of every car. A 300 lb. lead weight will be tied to the mechanism to turn the tiny Mario Bros steering wheel, which the driver must drag back and forth in each turn or go into the wall ending his day, and activate the pummeling robots on impact. This will closely simulate what guys like A.J., Mario, Parnelli and the whole field experienced almost every time they ran a place like Langhorne, where having a relief driver was common as the drivers wore out faster than tires back in those great old days when none but the brave drove race cars.
With these suggestions, the iRacing concept will work for us while we wait to resume life as we knew it. With the changes I have made with my simulator, the TV ratings will skyrocket to numbers never before seen in the history of televised races. Major sponsors will be begging the drivers to put virtual stickers on their cars, and the tire companies will once again start tire wars, dividing the drivers on which tires to use. And we will have drivers making tons of money again.
However, there could be one downside to the iRacing concept I propose: I am afraid we may not be able to find enough guys in their mom‘s basement who will drive fearlessly. They may have to decide A) Do I really want to race if I might get my new uniform dirty or get hurt to the point I might end up in an emergency room somewhere, or even the worst scenario of having the Hewitt, Tripp and Kinser robots simulate a real crash on me?
Or, B) Should I just go back to hitting that ping pong ball back and forth on the video screen and leave the real racing conditions to guys like Branson, Rutherford, Jud Larson, Kyle Larson, Johnny Hot Rod Heydenreich, Tony Stewart, and Robert Bell — guys that strapped themselves in a car knowing that it isn‘t just a game and winning a plastic trophy. Guys who really rolled the big dice every time.
Hopefully we will all survive this current speed bump and come back even stronger, with good health and a new appreciation for the little things we always took for granted. We will have family dinners again and the freedom to go wherever and whenever we want with no repercussions. I know we will all get back to all these pleasures again, and life will be even better.
So, hang in there world. We will soon be smelling the sweet smells of castor oil and nitro, getting hit by flying dirt clods at the Prairie while drinking a cool beverage in the stands, watching the kids and some deranged senile, brain dead old man trying to race with drivers 50 years younger. Once again, the world will be back to normal. KO
